Where have you gone?
If I’m being completely honest I feel like I didn’t really grasp each month this year, I didn’t live in them, didn’t experience everything like I dreamed of doing. I’m sitting here trying to think about something big that has happened in each month and I can’t think of anything for a majority of the months. It’s been so freakin’ emotionally draining. Between heartbreak and growing up and everything in between, I’ve had an eventful year.
I learned I’m a lot more closed off than I thought, and incredible people in my life has helped me through some of that. I’m strong but I’m also weak. I’m so independent and need to learn that it’s okay to ask for help. There’s nothing wrong with being an emotional person, it just means I feel emotions on a hightened level.
Looking back on my Dear 2017, I don’t even recognize that person. It doesn’t seem like me at all. Isn’t it so crazy how you can feel like you haven’t changed much over the past year but when you look at a comparison, you don’t even know who that version of you is anymore?
I learned I’m only 5’1.5″ so that’s something lol. May was prom, that was such an amazing night even though I had a breakdown in the bathroom with my best friend of 9 years. I got to meet new people, see old friends, and be free for a night. My anxiety hit hard, I felt like I wasn’t living up to peoples expectations of me, and like I wasn’t enough. That’s been something I’ve had to work on a lot this year. I’m such a people pleaser, I hate disappointing people, it genuinely makes my heart hurt. But I can’t please everyone and that’s still a process I’m trying to figure out.
I had a lot of hope for 2018, but I don’t really think I learned as much as I wanted to. It’s been a gradual thing. Quality not Quantity. I learned that I need to focus on me and less of everyone else.
I learned how to drive in April. That was…weird? lol.
I feel like 2018 was the year of breakdowns, honestly. I’ve cried SO much this year. It’s been a whole other level of stress, I’ve worked so hard to get where I am and I still feel incomplete and lost.
I’m calling it now, 2019 is going to be a lot of putting myself first and I might let people down but it’s bound to happen and that’s okay.
I’m going to do me and put my happiness first. Or try to. I have to stop making everyone else happy at the expense of my own happiness. This year has been milestones and meltdowns but I’m still young, still figuring out life and who I am.
I cut a lot of negative people out of my life this year. Toxic people. Toxic relationships. That was difficult, as always, but it’s made me stronger and a better person.
I don’t know how I got through 2012 or 2016 honestly but knowing that I did and I’m still going, I have hope and know I’m strong enough to get through anything as long as I perservere and push.
It’s time to hustle baby!
My goals for this year are to move, find myself a little more, take each month at a time and do something for myself, make myself happy, grow in my relationships, and for a fitness goal I want to run once a week and be able to do a split by 2020. I want to grow as a person, in any way I can.
I can’t believe we’re at the end. I have high hopes for 2019 but also know it’s going to be hard. So here’s to 2018, the tears of the year and of writing this blog post.
As I said last year,
I can’t say I’ll miss you, but I can say it was nice knowing you.
Thank y’all for always supporting me and being the best ever. Sticking through my blog drought. Hopefully 2019 will be a lot of amping it up. 2018 has been one hell of a busy and emotional year, I just needed to take a step back and work on myself.
Love y’all the most! ❤️️